Please read this disclaimer before reading this post.
After the Jen Friel shit show, I asked a couple friends of mine to give me their honest feedback on that post. One of them, a close friend for over 25 years, is currently going back to school for a master’s in psychology. His overall opinion was that, when looking at my side of the story, I did nothing blatantly wrong.
Then we talked about my longtime attraction to writers (which I very clearly stated in that post). He said something very interesting:
My shrinky message to you would be, if you acknowledge that these female writers have seemed unstable and self-justifying in ways you probably don’t like or respect, maybe you should examine what is fueling your desire to pursue them.
I did some thinking about this and will continue to do so, but something bubbled up that makes me think this is definitely not a neurosis.
What is it?
The fact that I am attracted to male writers too!
Off the top of my head, here are some of the male writers I’ve enjoyed and corresponded with over the years:
- James Fallows – I’ve been a fan of his for almost 20 years, going back to this article about Japan. I’ve sent him numerous emails over the years (he usually responds) and met him in person a couple years ago at the Aspen Ideas Festival.
- Andrew Sullivan – I’ve followed him since — oh, 2001? — and also sent him many emails. He once ran a photo I submitted to his “View From Your Window” series.
- Christopher Hitchens – Never corresponded with him, but he was one those rare writers who can say things you vehemently disagree with but make you feel smarter for having read it.
- Mark Manson – Originally known as a PUA blogger, he’s evolved into something closer to Tim Ferriss (though I believe Mark is a better writer)
- Neil Strauss – Extremely talented writer who I first encountered in his autobiography of Jenna Jameson and later The Game (about which I have another post in the queue)
- David Brooks – I thought The Social Animal was brilliant, and I sent him a fan email saying exactly that
- James Altucher – his willingness to be vulnerable is a role model for my recent attempts. Also, we are the same age and have had similar careers, so it’s very much a fellow-traveler kind of thing for me.
- Dave Eggers – also about the same age as me. Borderline too-hip in his style, but I can’t help but like it. I have a theory that people who like Eggers generally don’t like Tom Robbins, and vice versa. (I’m not a fan of Robbins.)
- Ben Casnocha – a very clear writer who thinks deeply about creating a life well-lived. I envy him having figured out so much at such a young age.
- Eric Ries – the guy has almost single-handedly changed the way we think about startups and has an extremely engaging writing style (he’s also an inspiration for my film production blog)
- Paul Graham – a legend in startup circles who exemplifies how writing == thinking
- Tyler Cowen – he is first and foremost an economist (a field I love to read about), but he has an extremely dry wit that creeps up on you when you least expect it
Aside: the tagline for this blog is “Could you please be quiet?” This is an homage to Raymond Carver
I could go on and on, but you get the picture. Now compare this with the female writers I admire:
- Penelope Trunk – the poster child for vulnerability as a path to self-understanding
- Moxie – she’s super judgmental and we often butt heads — she thinks I’m a narcissist — but her views on dating have evolved over the years and that’s been interesting to watch
- Amy Alkon – she writes like a man. Super clever turns of phrase and a libertarian to boot.
- Dana Spiotta – Stone Arabia was brilliant and I sent her a fan email thanking her for writing it. The main character really struck a chord with me, reminding me of a close friend from high school
- Susanna Breslin – a recent discovery, though her blog is not her primary outlet
I belive the above demonstrates that I simply love great writing, regardless of gender, and it’s only natural that I would be attracted to women writers. But is that enough to say I’m not overly fixated on them?
Put another way, am I only attracted to writers?
No, and here’s the evidence.
- My ex-wife was neither a writer nor much of a reader. She has many other great qualities that I fell in love with.
- I also like dancers. I myself love both to dance and to watch dance performance. I even used to perform in a really cool dance group in Chicago. I frequently try styles outside my comfort zone. Just in the last few months I’ve taken lessons in capoeira, a yet-to-be-named style that combines dance and rock climbing, and salsa (at which I think I’m pretty damn good).
- I like musicians, though I don’t seem to meet them as often. I studied music in college and still noodle around on drums and guitar. A couple years ago I hosted a house performance by The Autumn Film. (They played on my back patio. It was like a miniature Red Rocks.) The downside of dating musicians is they tend to have a tough lifestyle. They usually work nights and frequently don’t come home until very late.
- And I’ve been attracted to people in other professions. In the past few years I’ve dated a chef, a Rolfer, a leadership consultant and a phsycial therapist skilled in the art of dry needling. Oh and an acupuncturist, too. (These disciplines are similar in appearance but very different in terms of the underlying theories – West vs. East)
I’m not crazy. QED.
Update: I’d be remiss not to plug my film production blog here. I have dated a screenwriter in the past, so obviously I’m attracted to people in that world too. So much so that I created a web site of interviews with them.