I recently attended a workshop by David Deida, author of Way of the Superior Man. If you have not read this book, drop everything and read it now. I am not joking. The workshop was transformative to me and affects me every single moment of every day. I have made subtle changes in the way I move through the world, and the results are amazing to me.
Here is a very basic summary of what I think are some of the most important concepts.
Purpose
Purpose is what drives men to succeed, and it is what attracts women. Period. All the other PUA, dark triad bullshit is just an attempt to act like you have purpose. Once you have actual purpose, you don’t need tricks.
What is purpose? It’s not your job, it’s not money, it’s not something huge like “solve world hunger” — though all of these things can indicate that you have purpose. Purpose is simply the thing that you feel compelled to give yourself over too, and the denial of which will slowly and inevitably destroy your capacity for happiness.
For example, if your purpose is to create music, but instead you are a lawyer and just stare wistfully at the guitar every now and then, you do not have purpose. You have money but no passion. You become resentful and depressed, wondering why having the “right” job doesn’t make you happy. Nothing will make you happy until you fully commit to your purpose.
(As an aside, purpose does not have to be lifelong. You can fully commit to a purpose for a few years or less, then find a new purpose. So don’t feel like you have to find the One Great Thing that defines your legacy. Rather, you’re looking for the thing you can commit to fully right now. Also, if you don’t know your purpose, just make it the search for your purpose. Commit fully to finding your purpose and you will embody it.)
Presence
If purpose is attractive to women, what keeps them interested is presence. When a woman says she wants connection, she’s talking about presence. Presence merely means that, when a man interacts with a woman and his environment, he gives himself 100% to that interaction. That doesn’t me he supplicates or puts her on a pedestal. Merely that he says exactly what he’s thinking and is not ashamed of it or scared to tell the truth. He treats everyone he meets — be it a homeless man or powerful leader — as a distinct individual worthy of his complete attention.
Ego
Ego is very important. It’s what keeps us alive in the face of danger, and can provide emotional rewards when validated.
However, ego has a way of fucking up your presence. It can lead you to deny your emotions, or say hurtful things, or act in a passive-agressive manner. You must constantly monitor your ego. Forever. This never goes away. Ever. Get used to it.
How to monitor your ego? Here’s a good trick. When you say something to someone in a conversation, ask yourself “Did I say that because it’s true or because I’m trying to impress (or hurt) the person I’m speaking to?” If the latter, take the time to process the emotions that provoked that behavior.
This takes a lot of practice. Things like meditation, exercise and yoga (my personal choice) can help with it. Over time you will find that life becomes so much easier when you learn to recognize the ego. It’s like living in High Def after a lifetime of shitty TV.
A Winning Combination
When a man has purpose and presence, he is powerfully attractive. That doesn’t mean every woman he meets will sleep with him, but a whole lot of them will want to, and he will not have to use a single canned PUA routine. He will find himself in the position of being the chooser instead of the chosen.
Also, by bringing purpose and presence to everything he does, he naturally stops worrying about what other people think. This is a powerful, energizing feeling. The world becomes something you explore, not something to fear. Relationships become something you embody and witness, not something you cling to or hide from.
But How Do I Apply This?
Start saying and doing what you feel, not what you think you should do. If you like her scarf, say so. If he’s wearing cool shoes, say so. If she says something funny, laugh. If it’s not funny, don’t laugh.
If you think she’s beautiful and it makes you weak in the knees, say that too. I’m serious.
Your ego will tell you not to do these things, but by letting your ego “win,” you diminish the experience of life. You live in the world of “what if?” instead of right now.
This takes bravery. But guess what? Women want brave men. In fact, they crave a brave man who will protect them in the same way men crave sex. It’s fundamental to their experience. Pre-conscious, even.
A brave man is not without fear. In fact, some things may terrify him. But a brave man knows that fear does not define him. Only purpose can do that.