Rejection is feedback, but not necessarily data

Please read this disclaimer before reading this post.

So… this just happened. The guy in Colorado she’s talking about is me. I’m not defensive about it, just reflective. But first the backstory.

I contacted lifecaster Jen Friel a few weeks ago and asked for a date. Go read that post. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe there are a couple of key data points you can glean from it:

  • I have asked out two other bloggers in the past. One of them was right after my divorce and was my rebound relationship. (It’s not clear from the email, but I didn’t ask her out online. I met her at South by Southwest and we hit it off.)
  • I have gotten rejected by those bloggers and am obviously okay with it. It’s even a comedic device.

What is not obvious from that post:

  • I’ve asked lots and lots and lots of people out on dates in the last few years. Jen makes a big deal about going on 100+ dates in a year. Good for her. I’ve gone on at least 50 dates a year for the past three plus.
  • Of that number, a grand total of three are bloggers. Scratch that. Just two. One initially said yes, then said no. That last one was totally a lark. She had written a post about how to ask a girl out, I thought it was funny and jokingly sent her an email asking her out. I was surprised when she replied back immediately saying yes. So I treated it like the potential adventure it was and bought tickets to New York. She ultimately backed out, but I still had a great time in NYC and don’t regret anything about that interaction.
  • Most of my dates come from online. To me there’s not much difference between messaging a blogger and messaging someone whose profile I like.
  • I am attracted to writers. I read shitloads and really appreciate good writing. So whether a women has a blog or not, if she has a well-written profile and looks reasonably attractive in her photos, I will ask her out. Double bonus points if she has good taste in literature.
  • That said, I’m not a big fan of Jen’s writing. She’s real and vulnerable, and I like that in a person, but between all the “OMGs” and “totes mcgotes” I have a hard time getting through her posts. Which is not to say that she’s a bad writer, just that I’m not her demographic.
  • On the other hand, I admire her and anyone else who manages to make a living online. So I was interested in learning more about what makes her tick. As I said in the initial email to her, “even at the end if nothing happens because we’re not feeling the chemistry, you’ll still feel like you had a great night.” No expectations.

Here’s what I thought happened

I met Jen at the airport late Sunday morning. My 30 second impression was, kind of cute, but not my ideal physically. Nonetheless I was inexplicably a bit nervous, which rarely happens to me on dates. However, I generally have a philosophy of saying what I feel instead of trying to hide it. So I told her I was nervous. She laughed a bit and said no worries.

From there I immediately got the vibe that she was not interested in me romantically. Which was fine because I wasn’t really feeling it with her either. However, I looked forward to giving her the full Front Range experience, and since she works in media I thought it appropos to mention that I’m thinking of making a career shift into film.

Here’s where I think I might have said the wrong thing: I introduced this topic as  “I do have an ulterior motive in case things don’t connect romantically, which is to learn more about the entertainment business.” She said sure thing, and for most of the ride back to my place we talked about it.

Note the words “ulterior motive.” This seems to be the words that set her off.  When I initially asked her out I wasn’t really thinking about the media stuff, but literally in the last couple weeks I’ve made a big shift in my thinking about it and gotten obsessed with learning more. Which is why I launched MakingFlix.com just two weeks ago.

So I guess from her perspective this was my angle all along. It wasn’t. I was just sharing my newly discovered passion.

In multiple places on her site, Jen makes a big deal about three things: authenticity, vulnerability and having no filter (i.e. she says what she thinks, hang the consequences). Though I probably have more of a filter than she purports to, I’m a also big, big, big believer in telling the truth. Further, I also am big about checking in with whomever I’m talking to to see whether we’re on the same wavelength. (I learned a lot about this in a sales training program I took years ago, probably about the time Jen was starting to dink around with MySpace.)

So I assumed that if there ever were some area of disagreement or phoniness between us, Jen would, you know, say something about it. Not having a filter and all that. She never did. Since I wasn’t feeling a connection with her, I figured it was mutual and that she wasn’t judging me (which is something she also claims about herself).

I love conversation. Not small talk, but deeper stuff that gets at our motivations. As I told Jen not longer after she arrived, I intentionally did not read much of her blog because I wanted to get her perspective and not create an image in my head of what she must be like. To that end, I asked her questions about her childhood, what motivates her, her personal and business goals, philosophies. We seemed to have a shared interest in learning how to be present and authentic. (Ironically, I believe I was the only one who committed to do this. She clearly held back and spent a lot of time on her phone.)

I did notice that she was quieter than I expected (she said “everyone always says that”) and that she did not ask me a lot of questions. I took this as a lack of interest. Fine, she’s not into me, I’m not into her, but let’s have fun. She says she’s all about adventure and so am I.

Here’s what we did

  • Lunch at Dushanbe Tea House
  • Walked the Pearl Street Mall, including an encounter with Zip Code Guy
  • Dinner at The Kitchen Next Door (she loved the kale chips)
  • Breakfast at Lucille’s
  • A quick detour up Canyon Road to Boulder Falls, just to get a sense of being in the mountains
  • Tour of Celestial Seasonings (I geeked out on the robots and thought she did too)
  • Thai massage in Denver (about which she went on and on how relaxed it made her feel)
  • I cooked a mighty fine dinner from scratch (at least, she said she liked it, but can I really believe her?)
  • Breakfast at Snooze
  • She mentioned that some of her fans in the area wanted to meet her. Numerous times I offered to take her to a coffee shop or wherever to facilitate that, but she waved it off.

 Here’s what I did not do

  • Escalate physically – didn’t even try to hold hands
  • Lie
  • Judge her

Here’s what she didn’t do

  • Give me any hint that she was having a bad time
  • Tell me I in any way that I made her uncomfortable
  • Say anything negative about anything at all. She gushed about how beautiful Colorado was. The only less-than-positive thing she said is that she doesn’t like cold weather and so would never live here.

Things that in retrospect I can only guess must have set her off

  • I told her about a weird email exchange I had with that other blogger that left me feeling frustrated. I very pointedly did not let it devolve into trolling, ad hominem attacks, or judgement, and I listened to and validated Jen’s counter-viewpoint as someone who has been stalked and is thus cautious about dealing with “civilians.”
  • On the way to the airport I told her I had made a list of people that I would email her about and would appreciate intros to them, but only if she felt it was relevant and she felt comfortable doing so. This list consisted of people in and around the film industry as well as an investor I’ve been wanting to connect with. For some reason she jumped to the conclusion that I wanted her to introduce me to other bloggers. What?! Where was that no-filter sensibility when it would’ve been useful? She should’ve just asked me! But instead she did what too many people do: made it all about them! She evidently believes that I have some kind of blogger fetish and woe is her for having to put up with crazy stalker fans like me.

How I feel about this

  • Reflective. As soon as I dropped her at the airport, she posted on Twitter that she was glad to get away from my negative energy. This surprised me. I’ve been told I come across as (pick one) confident, intimidating and/or a bit intense, but negative?! Never. I asked a couple people to give me honest feedback about this and they expressed surprise. Of course, they could’ve been lying, too. I’ll just live with it.
  • But not in any way “wrong.” There are a couple of things I might have said or done differently, but only if I could read her mind. I cannot do that and so I don’t regret anything I did. I believe that practically any other guest would have said I gave them a great introduction to the Front Range, and that was my #1 goal. Romance and/or career advancement were just gravy.

Final Thoughts

Jen slagged me on Facebook as a crazy person without hinting beforehand that she was in any way dissatisfied with me. I’m not really angry about that, just surprised. In the last few years I’ve become more adventurous and redefined my understanding of what “adventure” means. Fundamentally (as I told Jen, and she agreed), it’s about taking a risk. Sometimes risks backfire. If you’re scared of that happening, then you should not seek out adventure. (Note: she blocked me on Facebook after I made a not-nasty comment suggesting a countervailing viewpoint. So I have no idea what’s going on there. I assume she’ll have an epic post on her site shortly, which I’ll link to when it’s up.)

I took a risk and it blew up. But guess what? I’m still here. All that remains is for me to process the emotions, which is why I wrote this post. (Stoicism has a lot to say about this.)

Here’s me empathizing: it may be that she kept her mouth shut and felt trapped because, if I really were a crazy person (and she has met her share), she might have reason to fear for her life. So there’s an argument for keeping her real thoughts to herself. See? I just made it for her.

Now for the counter-argument: I am insanely Google-able and she saw exactly where I lived, has my phone number etc. We even have some mutual acquaintances. In the worst case scenario, she could very easily have contacted the many Colorado fans she has on Twitter and quietly asked one to come pick her up.

But given how much well-documented risk she’s taken in her personal life, it’s hard to believe she was truly fearful.

The biggest surprise to me is she seems to lacks even the most basic social toolset for tactfully seeking out proof of her nefarious hypothesis. On the “hidden agenda” thing, for example, she could have teasingly asked me “hey, I thought you said no agenda!” and smiled. Smiles and teasing are powerful social tools. She should know this because she helps teach social dynamics workshops. And yet it never occurred to her to try to validate her hypothesis? Nope, Derek is just Crazy Guy, end of story.

I do not believe in good and evil. I believe that binary formulations of just about any issue have the effect of lowering your IQ. Jen and I even talked about this. Jen claims to be a smart girl who sees shades of gray instead of black & white. But her habit of jumping to conclusions without seeking more evidence proves that, though she may have a decently high IQ, she still has a long way to go on the maturity. Perhaps some day she’ll change, but that’s not my concern.

I wish her well.

Next!

Epilogue

Last night a recruiter contacted me about a job in part because she loved my post about asking Jen out. I’m not looking for a position, but it’s nice to see that adventure can pay off in unexpected ways.

Risk, you are my friend. Is it yours?

Postscript

A friend commented on Facebook that this post made him worry about whether our conversations are confidential. Here’s my response:

That’s a fair question. I’m not in the habit of talking about other people on my blog except to quote things they’ve said publicly, but Jen is a public figure who trades on her fame. She also insists on the right to write about anyone she meets. I’m comfortable with my behavior and don’t feel the need to hide anything. I only wrote that post as a preemptive measure. (Normally I would not have written anything except perhaps a puff piece about the places we visited while here.) She had already slagged me on Facebook and I assume a similar blog post is coming.

And besides, as a public figure I’m sure Jen subscribes to the notion that there is no such thing as bad PR. She probably welcomes any and all commentary that doesn’t include the words “sex tape.” If not, she’s in the wrong business.

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